liFe..

Friday, December 28, 2007

just had to say this. its been getting on my nerves and if i don't get it out. i'll probably crack up.
i have my own time and reason for doing things. pretty pissed off lately. if u don't know me. then don't act as if u know me and understand me and start assuming stuff about me and my life. it is as it is pissing me off. seriously.
after helping out in church today. i just took off. walked right out. went out for a walk. truth be told i was pissed off at stuff. and just had to cool down so yea went for a walk.
a million and one things i would love to say but yea. who knows who's reading.

help me understand why

10:32 PM...i walked away

6 Friday, December 21, 2007

life in a box
tried as it is, my best to stop it for the past three years. cursing and swearing. during the secondary school days, every word that came out was accompanied by a colorful phrase. friends in school knew me as that sort of a person. sometimes it hurts just to be known as such.
strange they find it, when i urge myself not to swear. it all was always a part of my vocabulary. maturing ahead looking back, its hard not to be sad to see the image i have set of myself. a tarnished image, of which would be imprinted on my friends hearts forever. keeping silent was the only way i could prevent it all from happening.
always felt that sealed away deep within us was a demon. chained as it is, forever straining its bonds to break free and have free reign over us. the only bonds that were holding it back was the willpower of ourselves. mine had a rampage over my life all throughout secondary school. even now it has yet to be tamed. curbing the tongue, slow to speak, quick to listen. harder then it really sounds. when you look back at all the things that you have done, you will find that speaking without thought was the main factor in messing up your life.
when first questioned on my religion, i replied that i am a Christian. the answer i got was "Really? you don't seem like one." blew me away. then i realized how bad it had all become. when life throws at you stuff you have to face, thinking a little before opening the mouth is really a good thing.
now looking on at all the kids that say such stuff, my mind is in a whirl. hypocritically i find myself pitying them for they do not know what they are doing. but on the other hand, what gives me the right to judge them, for he who judges will be judged. i am not much better off then them, in fact most of the times, i am worse.
people may not understand the importance of taming the tongue till it is too late. as for me, i have seen and understood how powerful words can be to affect and change people. the hurt that is within when people identify me as such a person, it cuts deep. people don't see emotions that i feel for they are buried deep within me. but it doesn't mean i don't feel it.
sharing with others about my life, how it has been, what i have experienced. its never simple. growing up in environments where i have stopped trusting anyone with my feelings and secrets. i dread sharing about my life. it means another part of me vulnerable to others. another weakness revealed. close friends who have known me for long times probably know me well enough to tell that i defend myself tightly. never letting anyone get too close, to know me too well.

don't feel really good.

2:37 AM...i walked away